My dad, like many dads, is a source of much soul searching and mental anguish when it comes to buying him a Christmas gift. He’s a man with a singular passion; his one true love after my mum (or maybe before), is sitting on a cold river bank, dangling his pole into the dark unknown. Or fishing if you wish to avoid the dodgy metaphors. Buying him a new fishing rod would set me back a small fortune and I’d no doubt buy the wrong one (as the family black sheep I never felt the allure of a big Trout).
He’s a kind but quiet man with no interest in the modern pop culture and a deep mistrust of the internet; in his view its evil and will steal your money, dignity and pants. Technology, music and biscuits (he’s slightly diabetic) were therefore ruled out. So on mission to get the perfect gift I set out with Google as my spirit guide to find the best Dad Gift ever. Here are my surprising and quite sometimes disturbing finds:
KFC Scented Candle
Like primitive man, my Dad both respects and fears fire. My mum, bless her has been banned from having scented candles in the house incase she sets her curtains a light. Still, candles are a big obsession with men these days, masking the stench of wiffy feet and the dreaded silent but deadly fart. Following on from last years bacon scented candle from Greggs comes the limited edition KFC Scented Candle. Made for people who want their home to smell of fried chicken, it seemed like the ideal Dad gift. Unfortunately I was denied in my poultry quest as the candle was only available as part of an online competition. Fowl play indeed (I’ll get my coat).
Editors Note: This article was originally published last year so if you really want to sample the wonder of Chicken scented candles you’re out of luck.
Fifty Shed of Grey Book
Whilst I refuse to believe my parents every procreated and instead choose to believe I was found in the wheelie bin, there is still passion in their lives. My Dad’s love of fishing has already been mentioned and will resurface again but he’s also a big shed fan. He likes to tinker, to build, to create, to shape things from wood and steel. Every man needs a safe haven and for many that is their humble shed.
I was almost sold by this books tempting sales pitch: “Fifty Shed of Grey is the story of one man’s struggle against a tide of tempestuous, erotic desire and of the greatest love of all: the love between a man and his shed” it was hard to resist but as I’ve not seen my Dad read anything but the Angler’s Mail in the last 30 years I decided to keep searching.
Carponizer Carp Calendar
None of these gift selections had so far satisfied my Dad’s fishing fetish. My next mistake was to Google them very words. Even as a desensitised Internet veteran I was not ready for majestic combination of sexy women caressing giant, slimly fish: I give you; The 2017 Carponizer Carp Calendar. Available for £16.90 on Amazon it’s basically, Models holding fish with both wet and dry scenes. Here’s more about this wondrous discovery;
“Carponizer has once more managed to courageously make every month of the year that little bit more special. Twelve magnificent carp steal the limelight in 2017, accompanied by women who are no less attractive”.
Rated five out of five stars and with such insightful reviews as “Bigger than expected” plus “I did not know that women love carps until now!”, it came with the promise to “make men’s hearts beat faster” so I decided it might all be a bit too much for my Dad, quickly cleared my browser history and moved on. Note the link above is real, NSFW and does include scantily clad women holding fish.
Now for something more festive, ready to add to the memory bank to recall later in in the year; Beard Baubles. I’ll say it again ‘Beard Baubles’, yes baubles for your beard. What’s not to love?, Plus for added good feels, they donate part of their profit from each sale to skin cancer research. These awesome decorations really should be hanging from your hipster face fluff right now but my Dad’s not had facial hair since Tom Selleck made moustaches cool back in his Magnum PI days.
Whilst a few of the above will haunt my dreams, none of them will actually get in bed with me. That’s not true of the Girlfriend Pillow. Now I must stress my parents are happily married and still share a bed so three would be a crowd. Still I was suitably intrigued to click on the link to read all about this machine-washable girlfriend.
The most worry thing about the Girlfriend pillow is not the shocking pink colour scheme or pointy, nipple-less breasts, no, its got to be the weird horror of the solitary Marigold washing up glove reaching around to hug/kill you.
I had failed in my quest to find the ultimate Dad gift. Christmas will have to be cancelled and my Dad would weep manly tears into Christmas pudding. To save Christmas please message me your own great Dad gift ideas, just no soft stitched body parts or half naked women and their overgrown gold fish. If anyone could recommend a way of unseeing some of these things, please send instructions too. The nights are cold and long, with only the fragrance of KFC and my undead soft pillow girlfriend to gently sooth me sleep.